... three times now I have tried to post an entry

Each time I write a little and then erase it...

I'll try again later maybe.

Someone dear to me was hurting today.
Someone dear to me left today.
Someone dear to me was crying today.
Someone dear to me broke my heart today.

Someone lied today - and I lied back.
Someone said they fell in love with me today - and I laughed. (it was not for real - it was because I knew the words to a song.)

Someone asked if I would be nervous to actually meet him... and I said Yes , because what if I wasn't enough?

Someone made me question myself today - Made me doubt myself today - Made me doubt others.

It's been a busy day... and I am a stupid girl.

I am sitting at my desk, doing that thing people do with their forehead... rubbing my forehead like I have a headache.
I am my own headache.
I need to demand my head to STOP thinking, and even that isn't doing it.

I've got nothin'.
My mood is definately a reflection of my day. I am like a movie montage of sad moments, and thoughts of a better life.
I am the cut scenes while the girl driving the car flashes back on the mistakes that were made as she drives as far away as she can.
Eventually I will need to pull over to the side of the road and sob uncontrollably into the steering wheel.

This suddenly humors me. A few weeks ago we used the stunning analogy of me being a car stuck in the mud, with the tires spinning.  I knew I had to get out, but I didn't want to have to call for help. Now I think I am driving the car down a road 'as far away as I can'!

Just got a little NIN stuck in my head for some reason.
Been a long time since I loved them... Long time since I lived on Trent's words...

I still recall the taste of your tears.
Echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears.
My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore.
Scraping through my head 'till I don't want to sleep anymore.

You make this all go away.
I'm down to just one thing.
And I'm starting to scare myself.

I just want something.
I just want something I can never have


The words that I used to listen to daily!

 put my faith in god and my trust in you
now there's nothing more fucked up i could do

Lol.... awww... I miss it a little....

after everything i've done i hate myself for what i've become
i tried
i gave up
throw it away

Okay... I am done... going home.... enough Lyrics for today....

Long time… no post.

I am currently doing alright.

I am at the point where this whole relationship and break up, has led me to believe that it was a learning experience.

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin' to do

I know that we were not meant to be together. The other night I made some insanely rude comment out of hurt.

I said that we haven’t had a relationship in over a year…

When I replay it in my mind I can actually pinpoint the point where his heart broke.

He wouldn’t talk to me for a couple minutes after that.

I apologized… it was harsh…

He finally looked up, at me, and asked why I didn’t end this sooner.

I told him I love him. I wanted to try, I wanted it to work. I didn’t want to give up.

But none of that worked, and we sucked in the relationship.

I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
then I'm sure that that makes sense.

Now I am tired… and spent.

I have been standing here, taking the blame.

I want to lean. But I won’t.

It is funny to me right now how strong people think I am.

It is funny to me also that people think I am soooo weak.

It's amazing how little you can cry when it's over...
If you've been breaking up for months already in your mind.

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

I can't even will myself to leave for work...
Ahhh.. the joys of self pity...

I am sure there will be numberous posts on this topic later...
I need to vent somewhere!

Hi, my name is Peekpu, and I am addicted to love boys.

I have been in a number of serious relationships - a montage of breakups just ran through my head....
I have been engaged. 
I have been in Love.
I have been out of Love to give.
There are times that I tried so hard.
There are times I quit trying because it was so fucking futile!
And all of these all flames have a little spot in my heart, because that is me. Love them or not... They are there.

One of my best friends from high school came into work today with some pictures of our younger years, and some notes we had written. She actually managed to find a note with a list, (probably 12 years old) of all the guys I had kissed. 
I was shocked, and amazed... 
For never once thinking I was a pretty girl... there are names on that list. 
For not once believing that I was something... there were names.
It is not a small list 12 years ago... it would not be a small list now. 
There are names that are vaguely familiar.... Some where filled with cute little memories.
(I should throw in at this point, that I got dumped alot for not putting out, and Although I kissed alot of frogs... it rarely went further then a kiss!)

Long story short... I have some old flames.
So I should not be surprised when I run into one at lunch. I should not be surprised when he smiles warmly, and asks how I am. I should not be surprised that I remember the feelings that were there. I am not saying I still have feelings there.... I am saying I remember. 
But, like so many other boys that have crossed my path. I convince them I am not what they need, or that all they want is one thing. Like so many before him, I do not allow a relationship to take place. I pushed him away. In my own way... 

It is odd, and I am over analyzing myself right now... But I have this thing... 
He still thinks I am great. He still calls me baby, or gorgeous when he sends the occasional email. I am not being full of my self at all here... I am saying that we had this thing. We had this moment in my past that echos forward.
I don't know how it happens though.
Are old relationships like this for every one?
I am never the hated one. 
I am usually told that I am the one who got away. 
I am told I am the perfect girlfriend.
It's never my fault. (It's not you it's me.)
It never ends really badly.
But it always ends.

It always ends but it never ends.
The relationship ends, and every time I see them after, there is still a look.
((I just tried to type a sentence about 10 times about what I feel the look is, but it all sounds to arrogant to write... and that is not what it is about.))

Bah.... maybe I will edit into this later the words that can not come now.

I can't write!

I have lost my ability to put my thoughts down in writing. 
To get them out of my head.
I am lost...

I want to vent! 
I want to yell and scream and....
I can't. 

I can not find the words, I can not verify the emotions.

Perhaps I need to not think so I can think!

a - is for always. Always slacking at work!
b - is for beer. Not that I am a huge beer fan, but I could use a drink!
c - is for cookie. I just deleted the cookies from this computer, although it occurs to me that it also means yummy cookie dough ice cream!
d - is for Doh. As made popular by Homer Simpson.
e - is for Email. I send enough email in a day, that it looks like I am actually working!
f - is for Funeral... and Friday.... i am attending a funeral Friday for a friends father. Lots of F's... but so not Funny.
g - is for grab. I want to just grab some people and shake them!
h - is for home. I want to go home.... I am bored... and very boring today!
i - is for Interestomg.... that is the new pwned.... I was tryingto write interesting yesterday... been laughing about that since.
j- is for Jo... Joanne my friend from HR, who I call Jo. Jo as in Coffee. Joe my friend from WoW.
k - is for korny - I heard the worst line today from a co-worker, who was trying to be smooth.
l - is for line... This is what he said. I had said I was easy to handle, unless you piss me off.... He said - "Oh I think I could handle you, and I'm pretty sure you'd like it" Seriously!
m - is for maccaroni. I don't know why - I am making speghetti for supper....
n - is for Nix - such a great nick name for me.
o - is for occur. Who knows what is about to occur.
p - is for Pursuit... My new car is a Pursuit.
q - is for Quizno's. Hhmmmm subs - I am hungry!
r - is for road trip... which I have an undying urge to go on.
s - is for Seriously! What else do i always say
t - is to talking. It's what i hear all around me.
u - is for Unpossible. Stupid word we use here at least once a day
v - is for Vixen. I got called a vizen the other day.
w - Is for wet. The snow is melting.
x - is for xylophone....   .... I've got nothing.
y - is for Yikes.... It's time to go home!
z - is for Zhevra - the WoW answer to a Zebra!

WoW..... I am going home to play

• Must provide entry text.

Lol.... Everytime. I swear.


Okay, but totally not my reason for having to write at 1:00am.
My reason - is unknown even to me.
I am trying to piece it together, but it's not coming.

Love - Lack of Love - Trust - Lonely - Hurt - Confused - Thoughts - It has to be something....
All the things I normally write about (aboot - as J would say to make me laugh) are completely lost at this moment.

I had to download "Why don't you and I" by Santana and Chad from Nickleback... because I am stuck on a lyric.
"Slowly I begin to realize this is never gonna end, but right about the same time you walk by, and I say oh here we go again, oh."
Don't know why - Heard the song on the way to work the other day. That's what stuck I guess.

hhhmmm... nothing... nothing is coming.

I am a huge mess of words right now - but my thoughts can not make a clear path.
It's like a deck of cards when you play go fish. There is no way that they will pull themselves in place.

All I can picture in my head is Grey's Anatomy.
And I just figured it out (it is now 1:22am - that's wow long I stared at the screen).

Ready for this. My boyfriend's brother has a girlfriend. I like her. She has been around for longer then me. I see her every holiday.
Her father died today. I met her parents a few times. For Christmas' and Birthdays and such.
She is a part of the dead dad's club now. And it's like it all just came rushing back to me.

I have to go to sleep now.
I feel better.

No I don't - 
I feel less cloudy. The cards are in a pile now. Just not in order.